Letter from the Editor

Dear AscencioFamilyBlog readers,

I have a confession:  I choose my words carefully when I write this blog.  I'm not going to do that anymore. 

You see, I grew up in a small town where conformity has been trendy for decades, perhaps centuries.  My hometown community, unknowingly, groomed me to be "A Pleaser".  People back home are amazingly nice, loyal and dependable, but I can't help but wonder when they agree with something I say... "Do they really agree with me or are they just saying that?".  You see, I really want to know what you think... my feelings won't be hurt if you don't agree with me.  On the flip side, I want to tell you what I think and I don't want you to have hurt feelings if we disagree.  Here's why...

The reason I started this blog is because I want somewhere to record things happening in our family so I can look back in the future and remember the little things I'd otherwise forget.  However, it occurred to me that someday my children will be able to read these posts and hopefully it will give them a little insight into me; their Mother.

So, starting today, I will begin to publish each post with my uncensored thoughts.  When you read this blog, you will get "DARLENE" 100%.  I can't remember a time (other than when I was a kid) that I intended to hurt anyone's feelings and I don't plan on starting now.  So, if I offend you in some way, please know it's not on purpose and get over it ;-) Don't say I didn't warn you.

If you are wondering why the change... let me explain.

In a nutshell... My mom died when I was a kid.  Turns out I didn't really know her as a person.  I don't want the same thing to happen to me. 

As many of you know, my own mother died of breast cancer when I was 14.  As you might guess, it made quite the impression on my life.  There is no expiration date on grief.  It never really goes away.  It is my cross to bear in this life.  So, there is rarely a day which goes by that I don't think of her in some way.  I expected to be sad she wasn't at my wedding or around to hold her grandchildren, but those are not sad thoughts I have.  I actually imagine her watching over us and therefore she is a part of our life each and every day.  Which is surprisingly comforting.  However, what I do is project her life on mine.  I worry that someday my kids will be without me.  I see a spot on my skin and remember seeing the same spot on her.  Is that a sign that I will get sick too?  Is it just a spot that occurs on people in our gene pool?  Who knows.

As I get older I think of my mom and realize that I didn't get a chance to know her as a person.  I don't know what she dreamed of doing when she grew up.  She was a secretary when I was a kid, surely that is not what she dreamed to do.  I don't know what she looked forward to do when she retired.  Did she want to travel?  Go out to Napa?  Go to Paris and see the Eiffel Tower?  I don't know what type of drink she would order if she went to a bar.  I have no memory of her going out to get a pedicure or manicure.  Did she get her nails done before I was born or did she die without ever experiencing that simple pleasure?  What was her favorite color?  I look at my kids and imagine what they will do when they grow up.  Did she do the same thing when she looked at me as a toddler?

I was in the 6th grade when she was diagnosed with cancer.  9th grade when she died.  It sounds like plenty of time to find out answers to all these questions I have.  But, asking these questions would have admitted that I thought she was going to die.  And when you are a kid, you don't think that.  I never thought that...

So... I try to figure out how my kids can know me.  Me as an individual, not just the person who happens to be their mommy.  I'm hoping that one way is they can read over these posts in the future and get a sense of me and my personality.  I want them to know that my favorite color is purple (a light lavendar). I would order a gin & tonic with a slice of lime because a cosmo goes down too easy and makes me silly.  My favorite food is anything Italian, has been since I can remember.  I look at Abby and think that she will grow up and have a career where she helps people.  She loves to help and does a really good job considering she is only 2.  And George, well I think he will do something in engineering.  He loves to explore his toys and figure out how they work.

I hope that you get to know me, too.  And I also hope that I don't lose readers after you do!  Ha!!  Even though there are very few comments on my posts, the stats tell me that I have a quite a few viewers, so I know you are reading!

Wow... writing that was therapeutic.  But that is all for now.  Thanks for reading.

-Darlene